I wish I could teleport
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
