The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
