I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
