I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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