am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
