I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
