i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
