I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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