Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I did not marry a roomba.
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