im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
this beer tastes like vomit already
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just found puke in my bra..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
