i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
