I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
