I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
