I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
