I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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