I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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