I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
