I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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