ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
