At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
