I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She bit a glass in half.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
