Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
