how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Randomize
