I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Let's paint friendship bongs
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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