Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
