Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
