Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
