never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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