Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
