i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
