Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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