I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
