i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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