Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
