We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
