so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i love accidental penises.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
