I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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