cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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