just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize