listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
FUCK WHALES
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
