The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
