I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
