he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
