Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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