i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
