My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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