If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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