So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
