You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
