i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
