I think im going to throw up on grandma
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
