Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
