I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
